- Be careful darling, it is easy to begin but very hard to stop - Loving a person was like going to the war, you never came back t...

Episode 2 - Easy to begin but very hard to stop


- Be careful darling, it is easy to begin but very hard to stop -


Loving a person was like going to the war, you never came back the same. It starts from the choices at the beginning, leave it and you will never know the end or take it and decide how you will end it. You need to think thousand times more before choosing it, there is no turn around until you find the dead end, and the dead end will never come until you finished what you start. You begin to drown yourself into two parts, a mind and a feeling. There is no equality, one must be louder. But, your ego has been bribed by the idea of winning the war, of 'at least you try something'. Your ego seeks to serve itself, enjoying the idea of the coming prize, of winning the war. And you start to feel, that you need to take it, that you will win it someday.

A day one of tasting the war, you feel excited and insecure in the same time. You already prepare the things but you still craving for something more and more. You start to find the shield more rather than the gun. You want to win but yet you just hide behind you shield, hope there will be a person who will shut the gun for you while you hide your self from the fire bullet. But you can't wait longer, you need to shoot. Whatever it is, shoot. And guess what, you shoot down your first enemy. And again you feel that you did it. And before you realize it, you start to enjoy the war.

The cheering of everywhere once you start to shoot more and more. You are on the top of your desire, you feel like you get everything that you want. The cheering comes even louder that even makes you think you win it. You are being adored by the crowd. You feel wanted and important. It pushes you to run even faster, to totally win it. You even feel to forget that actually you still in the war.

You heart is full with happiness that nobody can stop until you feel your first wound. The first blood coming from your vein. And for the first time you realize that the monster is real. Your breathing is shallow, the air is too thin. Your vision is blurry. Your heart rate is slow. And you think that you will let go. But the blood is stop coming. You start to see what's coming and you realize that you are still in the war. You are not winning yet. You know you are physically and emotionally drained but you have to keep going. You feel that you made to stay after all. You made it and you can make it one more.

You begin to hear the cheering again, but soon before you haven't forget about your first wound, you get the new one.  You are bleeding so bad. This new wound is worse, you can't even open your eyes but yet you can see the angel is standing next to you. You are crying really hard cause you don't want to let go, that you haven't finish your war. You start begging to Lord for another chance, you don't want to go. It is not the time yet, you just, can't. You get so damn sad. So sad that you completely shut down. You stare blankly at the wall and it doesn't matter anyway. Those battle scare, don't look like they are fading. Don't look like they are ever going away. They ain't never gonna change.Your body is sick and you are hurting deep inside. You feel the fear takes over your life.

You finally can open your eyes again. You need to keep going cause you see no way of going back. There is only one way, and the sound of your mind keep whispering that you are almost there, that you almost win it. You know that you will be okay, but you still feel awful. You know doing something will make you feel better, but you just don't know how to. You want to be well but you just can't seem to get there. And again, you feel stuck in the darkness.

You start to remember that you own what happened to you. You chose it. You want it. You are obsess with it. You try so hard that you forget that you don't always win your battle, but it's good to know you fought. You get the judgment that something else is more important than fear. The harder you work, the harder it is to surrender. You start to realize that it is not about the winning or the lose. It feels like a war, but it is not war. It's a love. It's an unconditional commitment to an imperfect person. It's a decision, a judgment and a promise.

Yes, loving  a person is like going to the war, but the way you treat it must be different. You are not chasing the win. You are chasing something bigger, like the eternity of being safe with a person that brings your half heart back. But still, love feels the same as war. Once you start, you will never come back the same. Either you are back with scar or you die.

I sometimes wonder if we are each other's unfinished problem in the previous life. And if we die right now at this very moment, will our soul be exactly the same as before with the never ending hurting painful regret. Or will this be one of those lives where we pass up the chance to collide, to be more than an almost, to be together, and to interwine our soul into one?



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Hello, I am going to share my video about the tradition of Chinese people in Singkawang. This video is made for the tribute to my Grandf...

Sembahyang Kubur (Ceng Beng) Singkawang 27 Agustus 2017



Hello, I am going to share my video about the tradition of Chinese people in Singkawang. This video is made for the tribute to my Grandfather who passed away 12 years ago. And I wrote him a poem below here :

It's so hard to go back to a place that's filled with heart breaking memories and people you never wanted to let go of
They say there is always a reason
They say that time will always heal
It’s been 12 years since you’re gone
Twelve years
I still remember when I was a kid, I visited your home
I think I didn’t really talk to you, right?
No, it’s not because I don’t want to
But.. you only speak Chinese
And I...
Can’t speak Chinese.
Siliy.
But I still remember sentence that I always said before going back
Kung kung, ngai con lu
It means, Grandpa, I am going
A short farewell before we meet again in the next year, during the Chinese new year, on February
That was my favorite moment when I was a kid
Besides the pocket money, chocolate, and cookies, it’s you. I am happy to see you
BUT
The moment came
I always say bye before I am going back
But why you are not doing the same?
I didn't get to say goodbye
I never said those final words
Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, But love leaves a memory no one can steal

You may be out of my sight, but never out of our mind
Here’s my little silly thought
You always gave me a little money before I go home, it was about 10.000 or 20.000 rupiah
I know it was not much, but I know it’s all you have.
I think, It would be nice If you are still here now
Seeing your grandchildren reaching their dreams.
I never have a chance to give what you gave to me before

So this is my little tribute true and tender, just to show that the memories of you will always stay

--------------------------------------------------------

This video is unplanned, I only recorded by my phone. I hope that the quality is still okay for you to enjoy, like, and comment to this video.


Instrumental : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ElWN4B4Wvxw

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- This is not a short happy ending Disney princess story - How many of you believe in love at the first sight? Or how many of you ...

Episode 1 - This is not a short happy ending Disney princess story


- This is not a short happy ending Disney princess story -


How many of you believe in love at the first sight? Or how many of you believe in seeing someone from across the room and knowing instantly that they are going to matter to you? Some people do, some may not, but for me, I do and that's going to change my whole life.

This is a story about a girl who met a boy that she never thought that he would end up meaning this much to her. And the girl is me.

Psychological fact said, it only takes 8 seconds of eye contact for love at the first sight to happen. So I started to count and all stories began since then. I am not going to start telling you about how we met, or other 'once upon a time' sentences, but I am going to tell you how it feels to meet the real first love that makes you realize that your first love wasn't really your first love.

I still remember the feeling when he asked me out again for our second meeting, just right a day after we met for the first time. A voice in my heart said, "Go, you will be thankful for this day later." and so I decided to go. After we are home, he said to me, "Its kinda crazy how I think about meeting you." At that time, I was questioning my self if I should believe him or not. I kept going to find out. Days past and it was the time for him to go, not leaving me, but leaving the place and going back to his home. The real things, began here.

Yes, we are facing a long distance relationship, for about 11.329 km away and 5-6 hours time difference. I don't know how it will work, or what kind of game he plays. I was afraid of love, never thought about that before. It's a risk. A big risk. But now it comes to me. Take it or end it now. There are only two options, and each of them will take me to the different path.

I choose one of them, and still choose it until now. No one ever say that a long distance relationship is easy. It takes courage and pours your soul out. He is not here for me to hug every time I have the bad dreams, and the worse, he is not here for me to hug every time I feel happy. When other couples can arrange their date on the weekend, we prepare our internet connection, talking screen to screen.

He is the real beautiful kind of madness, my favorite type of chaos, confusingly dragging me into his hazardous world, revealing the hysteria of my soul. He takes me to the new place I never imagine before, but yet it feels like something that I belong for a long time, it is like a dejavu. I was instantly connected to him, my heart knew for sure, I must have known him from before.

He is my magic wand, only with one magic sentence, he fixed me.  He comes and takes the weight off my shoulders and dries every teardrops. I feel like everything in my life has led me to him. My choices, my heartbreaks, my regrets, everything. And when we are together, my past seems worth it because if I had done one thing differently, I might never have met him.

He is the best Christmas gift I ever had. He changes my world with just a single smile. He is precious in every way, the sunshine of my life, a joy for my soul, a never ending rhythm  that playing on my mind. He remind me of the goodness in this world and inspire me to be the greatest version of myself. When he kissed me for the first time, I know that my lost piece has back. He completes me in every single way. 

I fall in love with him for every single reasons, he might not never know. I choose one of them, I take him. I choose him, and I will choose him over and over and over again. Without pause, without a doubt, in my heartbeat, I will always keep choosing him.

He is the love that came without a warning; he had my heart before I could say no. It surprises me like it surprises  him too. I didn't plan to go to that night as he didn't plan to go far east and fall in love. It happened to us, and we are happy to have each other.

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