Happy new year everyone! The last day of 2019 was good. My husband and I spent our night at home. We made sushi, watched Basic Instinct, played the board game, and enjoyed the fireworks from our balcony and bedroom windows. I was still working on the last day of 2019, so the only thing I ever wanted was the good night sleep.
There were a lot of things happening last year. I was injured on the very first day of 2019. We were spending new year on the hospital. It was literary the worst scenario that could happen during new year and I did it already. My first month of 2019 was full of hospital, doctors, and MRT.
On Febuary my right hand was finally healed by itself. Lucky, I would said. Then we had our holiday on March to Indonesia and Kuala Lumpur. April was my birth month. We had dinner in the Chinese restaurant. On May we moved to the new apartment. Still a lot of moving and carrying stuffs on June and July. Renewed my recident permit card on August (or July? I can't remember). And finally... it began on September. September is the party month in my family because of so many birthdays celebration. I had my Mini-Job interview on the 10th of September, sign the contract on 16th. My first day began the day after. I started my B1 Deutsch kurs on 23th. I got my first salary on October. I did the German B1 test and Leben in Deutschland test. My best friend visited me on November. We had a lot of fun. Finally, it's December, the last month of the year. We went to my husband family home for Christmas. We played so many board games, we had a really good food, and we got a lot of Christmas present. Christmas is always a happy day for me.
I would say that the peak of my life in 2019 was happening on September. The 9th month of 2019, nearly the end. Life is full of surprise isn't it.
I admit that I didn't push my self hard enought to reach something, but yet I still get what I deserve. I stop expect my life to be drasctically better just because it's the new year. Yes I agree that new year is the new begining, but so does every day, right?
I was one of the new resolution on new year's writers, and I stop. I set free everything. I let my life punces me whenever it wants. I learn what's important and what isn't and that's enough.
I still overthink overlove overfeel and overstress. I still care much about what other people think of me. I still let my ego wins. I allow myself to be lazy for days and days.
It's enough already to think that I am not good enough just because my set to much expectation on my new year resolution. I don't even know if those are the things I really want. I stop making promises I can't even keep. Be more grateful, learn to love yourself more, do fitness, get organize, have iphone 12 with too many of camera holes that makes you tickling, or whatever you name it, those were the bullshit promises that you will forget on the second week of January.
So am I lacking of motivation? Or I just enter the early phase of midlife crisis (I turn 25 this year)?
I still see that I am still a really mess up person on the outside, but right inside my soul, I know that I am healing everything. I show my anger, I show my disappointment, but yet the toxic doesn't reach my inner soul. I feel slightly getting cleaner inside.
Do I still have any hopes for the new year?
Yes.
I do.
I was cleaning my apartment this morning. I had a really nice breakfast, Raclette. I just started my skin care, applied the reddish liquid from the ordinary on my face and used my moisturizer and hand cream.
I hope that my inner soulgets cleaner so that I can be happy anything happens.
Again, happy new year.
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