Episode 2 - Easy to begin but very hard to stop

by - August 29, 2017


- Be careful darling, it is easy to begin but very hard to stop -


Loving a person was like going to the war, you never came back the same. It starts from the choices at the beginning, leave it and you will never know the end or take it and decide how you will end it. You need to think thousand times more before choosing it, there is no turn around until you find the dead end, and the dead end will never come until you finished what you start. You begin to drown yourself into two parts, a mind and a feeling. There is no equality, one must be louder. But, your ego has been bribed by the idea of winning the war, of 'at least you try something'. Your ego seeks to serve itself, enjoying the idea of the coming prize, of winning the war. And you start to feel, that you need to take it, that you will win it someday.

A day one of tasting the war, you feel excited and insecure in the same time. You already prepare the things but you still craving for something more and more. You start to find the shield more rather than the gun. You want to win but yet you just hide behind you shield, hope there will be a person who will shut the gun for you while you hide your self from the fire bullet. But you can't wait longer, you need to shoot. Whatever it is, shoot. And guess what, you shoot down your first enemy. And again you feel that you did it. And before you realize it, you start to enjoy the war.

The cheering of everywhere once you start to shoot more and more. You are on the top of your desire, you feel like you get everything that you want. The cheering comes even louder that even makes you think you win it. You are being adored by the crowd. You feel wanted and important. It pushes you to run even faster, to totally win it. You even feel to forget that actually you still in the war.

You heart is full with happiness that nobody can stop until you feel your first wound. The first blood coming from your vein. And for the first time you realize that the monster is real. Your breathing is shallow, the air is too thin. Your vision is blurry. Your heart rate is slow. And you think that you will let go. But the blood is stop coming. You start to see what's coming and you realize that you are still in the war. You are not winning yet. You know you are physically and emotionally drained but you have to keep going. You feel that you made to stay after all. You made it and you can make it one more.

You begin to hear the cheering again, but soon before you haven't forget about your first wound, you get the new one.  You are bleeding so bad. This new wound is worse, you can't even open your eyes but yet you can see the angel is standing next to you. You are crying really hard cause you don't want to let go, that you haven't finish your war. You start begging to Lord for another chance, you don't want to go. It is not the time yet, you just, can't. You get so damn sad. So sad that you completely shut down. You stare blankly at the wall and it doesn't matter anyway. Those battle scare, don't look like they are fading. Don't look like they are ever going away. They ain't never gonna change.Your body is sick and you are hurting deep inside. You feel the fear takes over your life.

You finally can open your eyes again. You need to keep going cause you see no way of going back. There is only one way, and the sound of your mind keep whispering that you are almost there, that you almost win it. You know that you will be okay, but you still feel awful. You know doing something will make you feel better, but you just don't know how to. You want to be well but you just can't seem to get there. And again, you feel stuck in the darkness.

You start to remember that you own what happened to you. You chose it. You want it. You are obsess with it. You try so hard that you forget that you don't always win your battle, but it's good to know you fought. You get the judgment that something else is more important than fear. The harder you work, the harder it is to surrender. You start to realize that it is not about the winning or the lose. It feels like a war, but it is not war. It's a love. It's an unconditional commitment to an imperfect person. It's a decision, a judgment and a promise.

Yes, loving  a person is like going to the war, but the way you treat it must be different. You are not chasing the win. You are chasing something bigger, like the eternity of being safe with a person that brings your half heart back. But still, love feels the same as war. Once you start, you will never come back the same. Either you are back with scar or you die.

I sometimes wonder if we are each other's unfinished problem in the previous life. And if we die right now at this very moment, will our soul be exactly the same as before with the never ending hurting painful regret. Or will this be one of those lives where we pass up the chance to collide, to be more than an almost, to be together, and to interwine our soul into one?



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